So, my daughter and her boyfriend invited me to sup with them the other night... several topics came up, but the important one came to the surface when she handed me a greeting card. Enclosed was a small picture.. a sonogram. I'm going to be a grandfather!
The timing is a bit off, I said, but I didn't get angry. Why she thought I might get angry, I'm not sure. She knows my belief about premarital sex, about teen pregnancy, about unwed mothers. But it never is the baby's fault how it was conceived, and every child is still a gift from God. And when we consider how highly God values life, and when we consider the potential inherent in every person, clearly we must celebrate each new gift of life.
The reality of this new life will take a while to sink in. Even with an ultrasound, this child is still just an idea to me. Perhaps as the pregnancy progresses, and the "baby bump" shows itself, it will become easier to grasp. Too, time to think about the baby will help me make the mental adjustments. It's a good thing for humanity that pregnancies take nine months in us, because over the full term we can reflect on it, and as the reality becomes obvious we can prepare ourselves.
Especially for a father, a first-time father, the whole process is a real mystery. The woman declares she's pregnant, and yet for quite some time there are only a few signs for the father to notice. Most obvious are things like morning sickness, new appitetites for foods (sometimes unusual choices at that!) and the "nest-building" instinct of a mother-to-be.
It is still early, and still quite unreal for me. Perhaps Christ, the father, has a greater appreciation of the reality of this pregnancy. Somehow, I doubt it. Still, I'm not worried about his perceptions now, but mine.
I'm going to be a grandfather. A grandfather? How can that be? In many ways, I don't see myself as a grandfather. I'm not old enough, I'm not mature enough.... It's been said that most guys, no matter how old, mature and "macho" they seem to be, feel inside like they are little more than twelve years old. We don't really feel like the grown-ups we claim to be. We are "acting" like adults, as best as we can, and trying to be mature, making wise decisions and facing life's challenges. Yet, inside us the little boy is screaming, "I can't do this! I'm not old enough to do this!" and we hope that nobody can see through our mask and find us out.
It's been said that the difference between boys and men is the size of our toys. And as we look around us, we see that Donald Trump is playing Monolopy and, instead of castles in the sand, is building with steel and marble. Bill Gates kept playing with computers, as did Steve Jobs. Some guys play with dump trucks and big machines, other creative people imagined worlds and entertained the rest of us with their stories, movies, even paintings and music. But to some degree, we're all playing with toys. And sadly, some guys treat women like toys, too, swapping one out for a new model every so often.
So, I struggle myself with feelings of inadequacy. What does it mean to be a grownup? A father? Or now, what does it mean to be a grandfather?
My memories of my grandfathers were of older men. My maternal grandparents waited to get married and have children, choosing to have a good financial footing before starting. In fact, my Granddad always paid cash for his cars, and kept them as long as he could before replacing it. He was not young when I was born, and as I became a teenager he was late in life and great in years. My paternal grandparents didn't wait so long to begin their family, but they were also well into mid-life as I entered my early teens. Pappy retired and was working honey bees most of my teens, as I recall, and as I entered college he was winding down that second "career" and as I ended college he had cancer that took him only months after I graduated.
My image of a grandfather is of somebody a good ten or twenty years older than I am --- yes, many today are grandparents by the time they are forty, but I was nearing thirty when I married. And I thought -- hoped, expected -- that I still had time before my first grandchild.
And so, I am unprepared for the title of Grandfather -- "Pappy" ....
Yet, here it comes... the future is now!
